How I pulled through another day of mental struggles.
I form the trees as I walk. I form the clouds as I walk. The thick dark clouds, that let no hope pass through when I look above for a sign of positivity, a ray of sun. Everything closed with thick black clouds. It is not even the night. It is the morning. The trees and the clouds covering everything that could have shown me light. It isn’t the world. This is just for me. This is just my world. I see nothing above, the ground beneath. On firm ground, I stand but I wish I weren’t. I wish the ground would suck me into it. But no, it is hard, hard like a rock. Telling me that I have closed this path too for you. You have nowhere to go. I am not opening my doors to you.
The trees loom over me. As they tower and their long branches fall down. I hold to one hoping to swing out of this but I cannot. I am too heavy for myself. My baggage is pulling me down. I cannot even carry myself off the ground. I jump hoping it would be high enough for me to cross over to the other side. The place where they may be some sunlight and some better air. Some place where I can breathe. But I see none. For I cannot take myself off the ground, the thick branches don’t budge, the thin ones snap. I fall. I hope the ground beneath would open up. But no, It mocks me, as it blocks me, as it stains my clothes, clothes that already are a stark reminder of me having lost everything. Just the bare necessities, that I have on me. Ragged and torn. I wasn’t entitled to anything more they said. I deserved this. I deserved poverty.
I stand again. Trying one last time to not let the clouds break me, break my spirit. But I knew I was losing, losing to myself for it was me who was forming the clouds. I stood up shedding a tear. Begging myself to not give up. To hope. To believe that someday things would change and that I had a better world than what I could see now, that the road hadn’t ended. This wasn’t the end. I shed a tear. Murmur a quiet ‘please, let’s do this once again. I don’t want to give up.’
The breeze comes, drying out my perspiration from all the struggles. A drop from the clouds falls on my shoulder telling me I wasn’t alone there. That I had the clouds with me. I look up, my lips slightly curving to a smile, telling I know you were there for me. And you have always been there for. And that I will always believe that. As long as I have memory of you. I smile. I nod my head. For I know this was a lesson. Just like the plenty others that I had encountered in my life. That this was another chapter, something to help me grow. Into the person I wanted to become. Taking me through paths I did not recognise or identify, and helping me become who I always wanted to be. I scoff, realising the this was just another jump in the big path of life. A hurdle, a challenge. Something that made me see how the nights would be, how the challenges would be. I dint die yet. I survived this. Too. I will live to see another day. A little stronger. But not strong enough to not succumb to that thought again. I still wish the ground beneath would take me in. But it is no longer hard. As I look up, I see the dark clouds thin out. From dark grey they change into a light version and slowly vanish away with a smile, leaving the bright blue sky open for all the sun to fall on me. The trees no longer look suffocating. They now protect me from the harsh rays of the sun. Give me the shade I need, almost like a comfort that they are there for me every time I need a respite. The trees, the caretakers.
I let out a deep sigh. For I passed this test. A test that I created in my own world.
All that I formed. All that I thought. I walked ahead, in a dress that flew as the breeze kissed my face and left me with a hope that this would last. Once more, as always.
