Grace & Hayden : Part X
[Continued from Grace & Hayden : Part IX]
Things stood still for Grace. This had become erringly, similar to how her boyfriend had left her. Hayden, the one she thought was a good friend, the one she danced under the stars with, the one who insisted on this trip, the one who she had let into the deepest parts of her heart, looked at her as an object. The only noise was of people playing outside the camp.
The pain stung deeply pushing her into a state of dead but alive. But she had been through this scene too many times in her life. The only thing Grace said was, ‘Oh ok’.
Hayden looked at Grace, surprised. He had hoped this answer of his would have made Grace angry. He hoped that instead of being a person who always understood him and cared for him, she would show her ugly side. He hoped she would cause a tantrum and beat him. That would justify this pain he knew he had caused her.
Grace, can’t you get angry at me? Can’t you punch me? Can you please show your anger at me. You have to be angry. Why the fuck are you not showing your anger?
I don’t know, Hayden. I can’t seem to get angry at you. A pause.
Hayden had lost all his tricks. With Grace in control, he no longer could see himself in her eye. He had taken advantage of someone who trusted and loved him blindly. He did not know if he would ever be able to forgive himself. He did not know what had to be done.
The pain she felt choked her. She felt short of breath. Her chest felt like it was closing in. It felt like a hundred tonnes had been placed on her chest. She couldn’t breathe or talk. She was having an anxiety attack.
Shocked by the sudden change in Grace, Hayden panicked and said, Grace, look at me. Breathe with me. Slowly.
Hayden held her hands tight. Grace wanted to get away from that pain. She wanted to get away from Hayden. She tried to synchronize her breathing with him, but this time it was more to get him away than to stop the attack. She began shaking violently, and she had to control herself. She pulled her hands away and lay down in a fetal position, still shaking violently.
Hayden withdrew. What had he done, he thought? Grace was one of the strongest women he knew in his life, and there she was, trembling because of him. He had to get away. He had to get away from her. He wasn’t right for anyone.
Moments changed into minutes. Hayden was scared to go near Grace in the fear of breaking her further. The skies had turned dark outside. Neither knew what the time was. It was a couple of hours away from the strike of midnight into a new year. By then, Hayden knew what he wanted to do.
Grace, I think I should leave. Hayden said
Although composed now, Hayden’s words surprised her. What? No. She said
Grace had her reasons. And for the first time, she was selfish. Her boyfriend left her at new year’s night, and it took her years to reach this stage of letting someone into the moment. If Hayden walked out, there is no saying how long she would take to recover or if she would ever recover.
Home was a long journey back. And Hayden leaving would mean she wasn’t even worth staying back for. A broader sense of unworthiness would settle in.
She took it solely upon herself for him coming to this trip, and it would mean she would be at fault for a very long time. Hayden wouldn’t do that. She desperately wanted him to stay because she did not want to be alone. She was selfish.
Don’t leave Hayden. Please.
No, Grace. I don’t think you will be comfortable around me.
Don’t underestimate me, Hayden. I can handle myself.
It would be really awkward between us, Grace.
No, Hayden. Grace hated that Hayden was so sure. Couldn’t he have at least tried to sort things out? This was an essential trip for her. How could he be selfish? Let’s try and talk this out.
No, Grace. I have to leave.
She hoped he would remember why she always took this trip alone. Hayden, I really want you to stay.
A part of Hayden wanted to stay, but he knew the next two days would just be a pretense. If he stayed, he would have had to talk about it. He did not want to talk about it. He couldn’t talk about it. He hated confrontation. It was easier for him to pretend as though Grace deserved this than apologizing to her and doing the right thing by sorting it. He felt the easier way of getting back to the virtual world and to a bunch of people who unaware of what happened would take his mind away. He couldn’t handle this. The guilt was intense.
I have to leave, Grace.
His selfishness and the fact that she had to always be the sensible one, Grace got angry. Fine Hayden. Go back to your place with your friends and the internet and the girl you want to ask out. That is what you want, right.
Hayden was starting to lose his cool. He wanted to leave. He did not want this confrontation. He had to get out. But he knew it was late in the night. He wanted Grace to react just a little angry so that he can convince himself that he was doing the right thing. This outburst from her was all he wanted. He now made up his mind.
Grace hated being angry. But more than that, she hated him leaving. She just wished he would stay. The last time she pleaded was begging her boyfriend to stay, and he still left. She had decided never to ask anyone anything anymore. But she broke that for Hayden. She was crumbling within, and she said Hayden, I am pleading. Please stay.
Sorry, Grace. I am a bad company at the moment. If I stay, it will be babysitting and maybe worse. I can’t ruin your trip. I know this means a lot to you.
But Hayden, I want you to stay. I really want to be with you. I don’t want to be alone. Not again, Hayden.
Sorry, Grace.
This was Hayden’s face that said I do not care what happens, I have made my choice. Grace knew she lost. The 2–1 mattered no more.
She pulled up her blanket. Hayden, she said. I will just tell this once more…..Please don’t go, Hayden. I need you here.
Hayden stayed silent. He hated confrontations, and the more Grace asked him and pleaded, the more sure he was to leave. In his mind, her pleas just made her look like someone desperate and he was better off being away from someone as desperate. He had made his mind to leave the first thing next morning.
[Continued in Grace & Hayden : Part XI]
